This is weird. Is this what's it's supposed to be like?

For the past few weeks I've been planning my wedding. I have the theme and colors decided, decor picked out, know the cake I want, and have narrowed down the wedding dresses to two. A music list is saved to my computer and I am constantly adding to it when I come up with a perfect song for the reception. There's only one thing I'm missing...

a fiancé.

I'm dating my best friend. We've been friends for six years and have been huge parts of each other's lives for the past few. Not sure what took us so long, but the wait was worth it. Only a few weeks into the "official" relationship and we've already discussed marriage. I admit, it would be hard to imagine my life without him. However, my feelings toward him are somewhat hindered by other emotions.

I'm scared. It has been very hard for me to trust men. I've become accustomed to abuse--whether physical, verbal, or emotional--and tend to fall for the "bad boys". It's a vicious cycle. Once you're in the abuse, it eventually becomes normal to you. Normal feels safe. To me, abuse was normal, and felt safe for me. It sounds insane, I know. It was hard for me to even type those words. Abuse felt safe. At least I was able to write "felt" and not "feels". I'm recovering from the life I once lived, and sometimes it's a tough journey.

Now I am in a healthy relationship. This is weird. It doesn't feel normal. He doesn't hit me, take advantage of me in any way, and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me. Yeah, I said LOVE. This is also a hard concept for me. I've never felt true love from a man. The only love I have encountered has been from women such as my mother and sisters. While I may not know what the love in this type of relationship is supposed to be like, I know what it is not supposed to be. The fact that I can't stop fantasizing about my wedding with him tells me that something is different, and hopefully right.

This is what's going on in my life today. I'm Liz, and this is my life...uncensored.