I'm cleaning...what's wrong?

When I get into hardcore cleaning sprees, you can bet that something is weighing down on me.

Taking a break to text S, I felt the need to cry...and cry...and cry. I haven't done it yet. The roommates are home. The last thing I want to do right now is explain some bloodshot eyes and bleeding mascara to somebody. S asked what was bothering me. I think it's a mixture of things. I'm jobless right now, which means I have a lot of time to think. Wedding planning has been pushed to the back-burner (thank goodness...I was becoming slightly crazed), but now my brain is consumed with things I haven't tackled in a while.

I miss my mother, quite terribly actually. It's been a year, five months, and a week and a half since she passed on to be with the Lord. Only six months after that happened, somebody told me to get over it already. Douchebag. This will forever be something I have to deal with. It hasn't affected me that much lately, but I've been thinking of her a lot. Especially since BF put the idea of marriage into my head. My heart aches when I think of going through that special day without her. My college graduation holds the same emotional ties...what will I do without her?

Weight and dieting has started to consume me. I hate this. Why is it that we can never be happy with ourselves? Most people would not consider me overweight, but I beg to differ when I look at my chunky thighs and the little bit of belly that has been plaguing me. So, J and I have started a diet and workout routine. It's nice to have a buddy that you can actually count on when it comes to things like this.

I talked to BF about this problem the other night. He said he was glad that I enjoyed my run. I told him "I need to lose the chunk" then immediately followed with "I'm sure you didn't care to hear that". He responded with "Well with or without the chunk, I love you". Seriously? This is such a hard concept for me to understand. He loves me for who I am. This is so weird coming from a man.

I feel the need to tackle a lot of these problems individually. Soon. But not now. Now is the time for cleaning, If I don't, I will cry. Well, I think I still need to cry. Time to clean out the toxins and release some stress. And maybe cuss? The "F" word is probably my favorite cuss word. If you've heard Dane Cook's comedy bit on it, you'll understand a little better. A lot of times I'll just say "F" instead of actually saying the word.

But now...fuck. There, that feels better.

This is what's going on in my life today. I'm Liz, and this is my life...uncensored.