I'm cleaning...what's wrong?

When I get into hardcore cleaning sprees, you can bet that something is weighing down on me.

Taking a break to text S, I felt the need to cry...and cry...and cry. I haven't done it yet. The roommates are home. The last thing I want to do right now is explain some bloodshot eyes and bleeding mascara to somebody. S asked what was bothering me. I think it's a mixture of things. I'm jobless right now, which means I have a lot of time to think. Wedding planning has been pushed to the back-burner (thank goodness...I was becoming slightly crazed), but now my brain is consumed with things I haven't tackled in a while.

I miss my mother, quite terribly actually. It's been a year, five months, and a week and a half since she passed on to be with the Lord. Only six months after that happened, somebody told me to get over it already. Douchebag. This will forever be something I have to deal with. It hasn't affected me that much lately, but I've been thinking of her a lot. Especially since BF put the idea of marriage into my head. My heart aches when I think of going through that special day without her. My college graduation holds the same emotional ties...what will I do without her?

Weight and dieting has started to consume me. I hate this. Why is it that we can never be happy with ourselves? Most people would not consider me overweight, but I beg to differ when I look at my chunky thighs and the little bit of belly that has been plaguing me. So, J and I have started a diet and workout routine. It's nice to have a buddy that you can actually count on when it comes to things like this.

I talked to BF about this problem the other night. He said he was glad that I enjoyed my run. I told him "I need to lose the chunk" then immediately followed with "I'm sure you didn't care to hear that". He responded with "Well with or without the chunk, I love you". Seriously? This is such a hard concept for me to understand. He loves me for who I am. This is so weird coming from a man.

I feel the need to tackle a lot of these problems individually. Soon. But not now. Now is the time for cleaning, If I don't, I will cry. Well, I think I still need to cry. Time to clean out the toxins and release some stress. And maybe cuss? The "F" word is probably my favorite cuss word. If you've heard Dane Cook's comedy bit on it, you'll understand a little better. A lot of times I'll just say "F" instead of actually saying the word.

But now...fuck. There, that feels better.

This is what's going on in my life today. I'm Liz, and this is my life...uncensored.

It's a boy! No, it's a girl! Wait, it's a...cat?

I have strange dreams. You'll come to realize that about me. Blame it on eating something before bed, watching an episode of Dexter, or the random firing of synapses in my brain, but some completely weird things project during my slumber.

I dreamed that the boyfriend (we'll just call him BF for short) and I were having a baby. We decided to let the baby's gender be a surprise. At a family get-together I went into labor. It was quick and somewhat painless, and I had the baby right there in the living room. To my surprise BF wasn't holding a boy or a girl, but a cat. A cat. Well technically, a kitten. I loved that tiny animal like it was my own. Thankfully my twisted and warped mind turned the kitten into a beautiful baby boy. Granted, he went from a kitten to a one year old, but at least he was human.

I texted a few girlfriends when I woke up this morning--ok, this afternoon--and told them about the dream. S asked if it was cute. Was it cute?! With eggs like these, how could you not have a cute baby?

Hopefully this isn't an omen that I'm going to be a crazy cat lady when I get older, with numerous cats that I consider my own children, pushing them around the neighborhood in a baby carriage. No, I won't be like the couple in the neighborhood.who pushes their tiny dog around in a stroller; but that is another story.

This is weird. Is this what's it's supposed to be like?

For the past few weeks I've been planning my wedding. I have the theme and colors decided, decor picked out, know the cake I want, and have narrowed down the wedding dresses to two. A music list is saved to my computer and I am constantly adding to it when I come up with a perfect song for the reception. There's only one thing I'm missing...

a fiancé.

I'm dating my best friend. We've been friends for six years and have been huge parts of each other's lives for the past few. Not sure what took us so long, but the wait was worth it. Only a few weeks into the "official" relationship and we've already discussed marriage. I admit, it would be hard to imagine my life without him. However, my feelings toward him are somewhat hindered by other emotions.

I'm scared. It has been very hard for me to trust men. I've become accustomed to abuse--whether physical, verbal, or emotional--and tend to fall for the "bad boys". It's a vicious cycle. Once you're in the abuse, it eventually becomes normal to you. Normal feels safe. To me, abuse was normal, and felt safe for me. It sounds insane, I know. It was hard for me to even type those words. Abuse felt safe. At least I was able to write "felt" and not "feels". I'm recovering from the life I once lived, and sometimes it's a tough journey.

Now I am in a healthy relationship. This is weird. It doesn't feel normal. He doesn't hit me, take advantage of me in any way, and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me. Yeah, I said LOVE. This is also a hard concept for me. I've never felt true love from a man. The only love I have encountered has been from women such as my mother and sisters. While I may not know what the love in this type of relationship is supposed to be like, I know what it is not supposed to be. The fact that I can't stop fantasizing about my wedding with him tells me that something is different, and hopefully right.

This is what's going on in my life today. I'm Liz, and this is my life...uncensored.